I keep saying this might just be the happiest I've ever been. I sound like a broken record and even I know I'm being a tad bit annoying. It's just that... I think it's true and I'm surprised, I suppose. To be thirty-four and realizing that the past two months of your entire adult life are most likely the happiest you've ever been? Not to say that I wasn't happy ever before. I was. This just feels different.
I'm single. Actually single. That hasn't been true since I was sixteen (longer really). I've never known life by myself. I have always enjoyed my own company. I have always liked who I am. I've just never quite known exactly who I am because there was always someone I was attached to at the time. I went from living in my parents house to living with friends to living with my boyfriend. I got married and divorced and went straight into other relationships. And I was happy then too. Until I wasn't.
Having a built in partner in crime (via romantic relationship) is fantastic. Someone to see when you get home, wake up with, have plans. It's wonderful. I think what I miss most is random, easy conversation and touching. Just being tangled in arms and legs and laughter. I had gotten used to sitting alone for the longest time, even when I wasn't alone. Being alone now, I'm choosing to sit alone (there is always Oswin and let's be honest, there's always someone else who would be more than happy to keep me company). There were some difficult nights and I'm sure more are ahead of me. This time though, I am physically alone, but I do not feel lonely. I think the worst thing is when you are not alone, but you feel lonely. I was there. And now I'm not.
I wouldn't say I had forsaken my female friendships for my lovers, but it is true that when you're in a romantic relationship you just see your friends less - you only have so much time. Since grade school, I have not hung out with so many of my girl friends as I am now. We're running errands together, catching up over lunch or drinks, hanging out in each other's spaces. We're texting and calling more. Or I am. It's honestly so beautiful. And it makes me feel a little sad that I didn't take as much care and time with them while I was in a romantic relationship. I know better now.
All of my hobbies feel more fun. Reading, embroidery, painting/doodling, journaling. It all feels more soft and full and maybe that's because I feel softer and fuller. In the sense that I'm putting out main character energy. No one is sitting over my shoulder scoffing or making fun. I don't have to talk to anyone if I don't want to while I'm doing it. I'm not worried about spending enough time with the person sitting next me. There isn't a time limit on what I'm doing and I can choose how to fill my hours and days. This might not sound groundbreaking, but I've just never been able to do that.
I absolutely love my home. The Apothecary. People have always felt more like home to me than actual places. Until New York City. Until The Apothecary. I've never had a place that's just mine. I pay the rent. I decorated every wall. It's all my stuff. It's 100% Hannah. And I've never felt more content in a space. I never want to leave (mostly). It's tiny, but it's home. I've lived in a lot of different spaces and they've never felt quite like me, even when I did most of the decorating. Something was usually off or uninviting. I don't feel that anymore.
While there are certain things I miss about having a romantic partner, I also have missed getting to know myself. Now that I have... well... I'm fucking awesome. Sorry, not sorry. Thanks for sticking around until the end if you're here.
P.S. I love you.
P.P.S. I love me too.
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