I have no problem showing off my body. In fact, I love it. I would rather not wear clothes or wear something entirely inappropriate in public. This, I'm sure, is a mixture of my upbringing and having a body that is easier to leave bare.
Looking back now, I realize that I never heard my female family members criticize their bodies. I'm sure they did. I just don't think it was around me. And if it was around me, I was too busy to notice. I feel lucky in that sense. The issues with my body didn't start with my family, it started with school and media. I remember the day I noticed that my thighs spread out when I sat down (it was in 6th grade in the cafeteria, I was wearing shorts). I haven't stopped thinking about it since. I don't remember when I first started flexing my abs all day to create a flatter stomach. I still do it and I'm trying to relax more, but that one is more difficult for me - it feels like it's a part of living.
I also feel "lucky" in the sense that I am generally a small person. When someone comments on my body it's usually a compliment or telling me how short I am. While I know I am small, I've never felt thin (until 2019 - the year I didn't eat). I've always had some kind of curves and it's just not in my DNA to have abs that show naturally. While I'll never know what it's like to possess a bigger body, one that society deems unworthy, it's important to hold space for everyone's insecurities. The body positivity movement, however, is not for us to take over, but to uplift those who are always told to hide.
I learned to hate my arms, my stomach, and my thighs even though no one ever said anything negative about them. But they sure didn't look like those girls on my favorite shows or in the magazines. They still don't. Learning to pose has probably been the "best" thing I ever learned to hide what I didn't want others to notice. You know what though? Nobody really notices. And if they do, it's usually not about you. As I have aged, other things have popped up that I'll think about. The little pooch in my belly that just won't go away (hello, uterus), the dimples on my bum, the thighs that always touch, my rounder face, and gravity slowly pulling everything down. The good thing with age, though, is you start to not care as much.
Being on vacation or away from your usual routine is difficult. You're eating different foods, not sleeping as well, drinking more alcohol potentially. Your body looks different on vacation sometimes. I truly felt this during my trip to California. Everything felt tight and my stomach was always bloated. I was working out, but hadn't gotten to the point where I was noticing a difference. Honestly, I was having the hardest time and started to notice I was starting to try to appear as small as possible. And I made myself say "fuck that". This is me. Bloated, dimpled, a little wrinkled, and having the best time.
If you're feeling any kind of way about your appearance, I highly recommend trying to follow people on social media who have a similar body type to yours and also those body types that are different! Finding a few people who are my size and being able to see them wearing certain clothing items or doing certain things and relaxing in their own bodies was like a big sigh of relief. I finally had permission to just be. So, if you don't feel like you have that permission, I'm giving it to you. You can exist just as you are right now.
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